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I'm Not Letting Go~~Chapter 3
The bad news from the doctor hit me hard when I got home, and for the next four days I was very ill from the stress and anxiety. I thought about Michael and his "confession" to make me laugh, but for a moment, I DID wonder--could he be telling the truth? Was he the REAL Michael Jackson, alive and well? Did he just want a break from the world? No, it just couldn't be true. He loved his children too much to live without them. And he would never break his mother's heart. * * " Okay," Kim said," You know the routine." " Unfortunately." I answered as she began my IV. I was there a good half hour with no sign of my chemo buddy. Maybe he was embarrassed about pretending to be the "real" Michael Jackson? Or maybe busy? Or maybe he went back to LA? No matter the reason, it was disappointing that he wasn't there, as always. Moments later, I heard a soft, British voice in the hallway and I heard my name. " She's in that little room there." I heard Annelise reply. " Thank you." the male voice replied and I watched the doorway. Suddenly into view stood Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees! " Knock knock." he said softly with a smile. " Ohh, my gosh--" " Hello love." he answered. " Hello...please, come in." " Thank you. So, how's my cookie girl, sweetheart?" he asked with that same soft voice that had charmed millions of girls. " Shocked at the moment," I answered," Whatt're you doing here? " " Well, a friend rang me and told me of your health and of course I remembered you, so here I am." he said. " I'm flattered of course, but--a friend? But I don't have any friends who know you." I said. " Of course you do." he said smiling warmly. Then it hit me. Michael! Michael Jackson knew Barry Gibb. They'd worked together. Recorded together. Michael was even the Godfather to Barry's youngest son; they were that close. " Love?" Barry said. " Ohh, oh, I'm sorry....chemo brain there for a moment." I stammered. Barry and I talked for nearly an hour before he gave me a hug and kiss and said goodbye. My heart was racing and my mind was on warp drive. My chemo buddy really WAS Michael Jackson! And I didn't believe him. I laughed at him. Yet he called Barry, knowing how much I liked him and the Bee Gees. Just then, I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up and there stood Michael leaning against the door frame with his legs crossed and his arms folded across his chest, with a little smile and a clear 'I told you so' look on his face. " I feel about an inch high." I said. Michael came into the room and pulled "his" chair beside mine, sitting down beside me. This wasn't just my buddy Michael. This was Michael Jackson, superstar. " Nah," he replied smiling," You're taller than that," he said with a grin, leaning closer to me and whispering," So, do you believe me now?" " Yes, of course. I mean, how could I not?" " No, c'mon, say the words." he smiled. " Yes, I believe you." I said to him," And I'm very confused." " Once your chemo is over today we'll work on feedin' those little quackers again and I'll do my best to unconfuse you, okay? " I nodded. We were uncharacteristically quiet through my chemo treatment this time. I was still trying to take it all in. " You keep starin' at me." Michael said. " I do?" " Yes. Cut it out, will ya?" he smiled," Nothing's changed." I gave him a look that said 'you've GOT to be kidding'. " Leslie," he said gently," I'm just Michael. Your chemo buddy." I couldn't help but smile and he smiled too," So, did you like your surprise?" " I'm still shocked." I answered. " Well, I called him and asked him if he remembered you and his reply was 'the gorgeous girl with the green gold eyes', so I told him we were friends and that you had cancer and he insisted on coming right away to see you." he said. " Wow." Michael chuckled," I'm glad you're wow'd. Of course, it's not by me since you're not a fan." He whispered, teasing me. " Oh hush." I playfully smacked his arm. Wait! I just SMACKED Michael Jackson?! " Oh, I'm sorry!" I apologized quickly. " Sorry for what?" he asked. " I didn't really mean to hit you--" Michael sighed," Leslie, stop, okay? I'm still me," He whispered," Don't treat me differently. Don't change." " But do you know who you are?" I said to him. He chuckled," Yeah, I kinda have an idea. I've got it!" he snapped his fingers," I'm your friend and chemo buddy, Michael." When my treatment was over for the day, we headed out of the building and I headed toward my car, but Michael grabbed my hand. " Leave yours. Ride with me, okay?" He still had a hold of my hand and we got into the back of the SUV and he instructed the driver where to go, then looked down at my hand still in his," Like me?" he teased. I moved my hand away quickly, but he took it back, clearing his throat," Excuse me, but I was holding that." " Why?" I replied. " Making sure you don't jump out of a moving vehicle." he said. We got to the same park we'd been at the week before and by the time Michael got around to open my door, I was already out. " You make it hard for a guy to be a gentleman sometimes." he said. I slipped my hands into my jacket pockets as we walked wordlessly to "our" table--the same table we'd sat at a week earlier...when he was just Michael. I sat down and he sat across from me, looking at me, but I could only glance up at him. He sighed," Leslie, please look at me." I did my best to, but still had to look away occasionally. I felt awkward sitting across from this man. " I want you to know the truth about June 25th, okay? You're my friend-a real honest to God friend, and I couldn't hide my secret from you anymore and be a good friend back to you. Friends don't lie. Friends can talk about anything and not be judged. So, may I please tell you what really happened?" I nodded," Yes." Michael began to talk...and talk...and talk. For over two hours he talked and explained and cried and paced as I listened intently to what he had to say. He poured his heart out as he talked and all of the uneasiness and nervousness that I'd felt about being around "Michael Jackson" vanished. He was just my Michael again. " So, that's about it," he said and sat down next to me but with his back against the table's edge," Do you have any questions?" " I dunno, I'm....stunned...how in God's name could you go through that?" " I did what I had to do, Leslie. When you have people out to get you, you do what ever it takes, no matter how much it can hurt inside. I've hurt a lot and for so long. The beatings from Joseph, the press calling me freak and wacko, gay, a child molester--my heart has been broken so many times by cruelty. I've been so lonely I've cried myself to sleep so many nights. And you know, there's something WRONG with Michael Jackson not chasing girls--"he sighed," I don't want to be someone's toy. I love to be close and hug and cuddle, but I don't view sex as the big important part of a relationship. It's very personal..and I have no idea why I'm going on and on..." he smiled a little smile. " No, it's okay. I'm uh, I'm the same way...I mean about sex...even in my marriage I didn't really care about it. I wanted held and kissed and all the closeness, but it didn't matter to me if we didn't have sex." I said. " Really? You feel like that?" he said. " Yeah I do. I always figured I was strange." He chuckled," Welcome to my world." " So what happens when your nightmare ends?" I asked. " Michael Jackson alive-film at eleven," he chuckled," Heck Leslie, I dunno. I'll maybe do a dozen concerts, like one a month in different cities, you know, London, New York, like that, with a month between them, then I dunno. I'm getting too old to keep trying to dance like I did 25 years ago. I wanna go out on top." " Michael when you reappear you're gonna be bigger than ever." I told him. " Probably. And open season on all the tabloids," he said," And I know a lot of people won't forgive me." " Well, once everyone knows why you did it, they should understand and if they don't they're fools." " Thank you," he smiled," And thank you for listening and understanding and not hating me." " Why would I hate you?" I asked. " Well, I wasn't honest about who I was..." " Yes you were. You just didn't say your last name was Jackson. Everything else you said was true..." He smiled," Thank you," then kissed my cheek softly," I'm gonna pretend we're in Europe, okay?" " Okay." I smiled back as he kissed my other cheek, then my forehead. " I don't know what I'd do without you." " You'd have to find a new chemo buddy." " I wish you weren't in chemo at all," he said," Maybe I can find you a better doctor or something--" " Even if you did, Michael, they'd say the same thing. Malignant cancer." He looked sad as he slowly stood up," I wish I could heal you." " Me too." I answered and he grabbed my hand," C'mon, let's go feed those little quackers." With the loaf of bread in one hand and mine in the other, we walked over to the lake and started feeding the ducks. I kept thinking about everything Michael had told me about himself and about what "really" happened. It was sad and amazing too. He seemed to absolutely love feeding the ducks and he'd talk to each one as he fed them and they'd quack at him. " Hey," he said looking at me," You're quiet again." " I'm sorry...I was just thinking about everything you told me...then of course my cancer crept in..." I sighed," I don't wanna die, Michael." Michael sat down the loaf of bread quickly, turned to me and pulled me into his arms," You're not gonna die. I won't let you. You just have to stay strong." " I'm tired of being strong." I whispered. " Then I'll be strong enough for both of us," he said looking into my eyes," I'm not going to let you go through it alone, Leslie. You're very special to me, you know? I don't feel like I've had a real friend like you before, ever. I'm not ready to give that up. I can be me with you. I can tell you anything. Meeting you has been such a blessing..." he gave me a warm smile as a lone tear fell down his cheek," And now that I don't have to hide anything from you, I feel so free and so at peace...and I'm rambling on again..." he smiled. " It's okay, I like your sharing with me." his hands held my shoulders and he smiled gently, shyly. " You know, your eyes are so pretty...but I see so much hurt in them. I wish I could take it away." " You help. I enjoy your visits with me." I told him. " I do too, very much." he said and hugged me," I love spending time with you." " Me too." I answered and we let go of each other and went back to feeding the ducks. " You see that one there?" he pointed," That's Donald, that's Daffy and there's Huey, Dewey, Louie and Ralph." " Ralph?" I laughed. " He's adopted." He laughed back. " So which one's Yakky Doodle?" I asked smiling. " You remember Yakky Doodle?" he smiled. " Of course." " You know your cartoons, girl," he smiled," Well, let's see...there's Yakky over there, the noisy one." We fed the ducks until we were out of bread then walked back to the picnic table and sat down across from each other. " You look tired." he said. " I get tired out pretty easily." I said. " Do you need the transfusion? Cuz I want to give you my blood." " I guess I'll find out next week." " Just so you know, my blood is good. Not even an aspirin..." " I wasn't worried, Michael." I told him," And if I need the transfusion I'd be flattered to have you donate. Maybe I'd get some dancing blood cells." I smiled. He giggled," I can teach you anything you wanna learn." " I'm teasing," I said," I'm too shy to ever dance." " I'm shy too...until I'm on stage." " You miss it, don't you?" He nodded," Yeah, I do...but it's not time yet. When it is, it's gonna be amazing." " Y'know something..." " What's that?" he answered. " I'm glad you're alive and the real Michael Jackson." " Yeah?" " Yeah." I answered. " I'm glad you believe me and trust me." " I'm glad you trust me too, Michael. This is big." He got up and sat down beside me," You're my friend and I know you won't betray me." " No, never." " So you can't tell anyone what you know, okay?" " You don't even need to ask. It's between us." I told him. " You are the best." he said smiling and hugged me again, then sat down on top of the table and laid back, facing me with his head propped up on his arm," You know, as much as I hate your going through chemo, I sure look forward to coming to see you there every week..It's the best part of my week." " Mine too." " This is so nice," he smiled," The sun, the trees, the serenity, my best friend with me....Donald, Daffy--" I laughed and he sat up then again sat down beside me," So, did you gush and get all flustered around Barry?" he grinned. " No," I smiled," I don't gush, thank you." " So'd he kiss ya?" he teased. I chuckled," Only a little peck goodbye." " Which cheek so I don't get Barry slobber on me?" he giggled. " Neither." I said proudly. " Ohhhh I see," he teased," And him a married man!" " It wasn't anything. I guess this time he didn't figure he could lose his teeth with my husband right there." I smiled. " Smart man." he replied," Girl, you really are looking worn out suddenly." " Yeah, I guess I am." " Maybe we should go, hmm?" " Probably," I replied," I still need to drive home." " Are you gonna be okay to drive?" " Yeah, I'll be fine." We walked back to the SUV and were driven back so I could get my car and go home. Michael offered me his arm and walked me to my car, taking my keys and unlocking my door. " Thank you, kind sir." " My pleasure, m'lady." he said, sweeping me a bow and smiling," I have had a great day today, thank you." " Oh I have too," I answered," Thank you for everything, Michael." " No need to thank me," he said," I'll see you next week?" " I'll be here." I said. " Well..." he muttered and leaned over to kiss my cheek," Drive safe, okay?" " I will. Bye Michael." " Bye Leslie."
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