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I'm Not Letting Go~~Chapter 9
Well guys, since I'm not able to sleep, I figure I might as well post Chapter 9 for ya. Boy, cancer sucks! I hope you're enjoying the story as it goes along. Do you think I've captured the REAL Michael Jackson in it? I hope so! ~~Leslie " Leslie?" Michael's voice snapped me out of my thoughts and back to reality. " Oh, I'm sorry, yes?" " Where were you? You looked sad." " Oh...I was just thinking about you." " And that makes you look so sad?" he said with a puzzled expression. " Oh, no," I smiled and touched his arm," I was just thinking about when you have to go back and be Michael Jackson again. What insanity your life will bring...and your having your every move watched and talked about." He sighed," I know...in many ways I wish I never had to go back. But I do. My kids need me...my family needs me...and I miss performing. It's in my blood--it's in my heart. Every rhythm I hear inspires me. Even that awful sound of your IV machine," he smiled," It's not gonna be easy, Leslie, and I knew it before I ever left. Everyone's going to be gunning for me in one way or another. The press, the media, the fans---I love my fans, I truly do, but sometimes they scare me out of my wits! They just want to touch me or something and I've worried about them actually hurting me, physically. Not on purpose, of course, but a guy could get crushed by them easily...and I'm rambling--" he said with a smile. " No, you're fine. Please, go ahead." " Bottom line, angel, is I brought what's going to go on on myself and I'm going to face it head on. I am NOT going to let the evil in the world bring me down again. I've fought evil before and won and I will again if I need to." " I know you will," I said," You're a strong man and you've never let them beat you. Not once." " Nor will I," he said strongly," I've had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking and healing and forgiving..." " Sometimes it's hard for me to forgive and harder to forget." " Ahhh, now forgetting is different," he smiled," But if we don't forgive others, how can we expect God to forgive us? We're all imperfect sinners, Leslie. All of us. We need God's forgiveness." I hugged Michael close and he chuckled," What's this for?" " Because you're an amazing man and I am so so lucky to have had you come to chemo that first day. You're so special to me." " I'm glad I went that first day too. It brought me a friendship I never believed possible and a woman I love so so very much," he said and looked at me with teary eyes," I'm never lonely when you're around." " Me either." " So, I was thinking Saturday for our date." " Sounds good." " I just wish I could make it as special for you as I would if we were in LA." " If I'm with you, I don't care where we are." I told him and he kissed me softly. " You always say the right thing, don't you?" he smiled. " Oh not always." " Tell me something about you that I don't know." " Well...lets see....I was pretty good in school. I was listed in a who's who among american high school students book once." " Wow, really? That's incredible!" " Oh it wasn't too big of a deal," I said smiling," I still flunked pre-algebra." " Oh, I hate math," he confessed," I never figured it'd be my career, so I didn't care about it a bit. What else should I know about you, angel?" " ...well, remember when we met we were talking about drugs--" " Yes, and people saying I was an addict." " Well, I was being prescribed 600mgs a day of morphine for about 6 years--" " Six HUNDRED mgs?? Girl, that's an insane dose!" " Yeah it was. I could be talking and fall asleep. I had to quit driving because I was afraid I'd have an accident." " Oh, no doubt. Why were you on such a high dose?" " I have degenerative disks in my low back. But one month, I couldn't afford to pay my prescription premiums and I had no coverage so--" " Oh Leslie, don't tell me you had to go cold turkey." " Uh huh. That's when I first noticed the pain in my abdomen." " The cancer," he said," The morphine was masking the pain." " Uh huh." " Oh honey," he held my hand," What you must have gone through." " It wasn't fun." " You should have been in a hospital for that kind of withdrawl." " Probably." " You're lucky you didn't die, honey." he said softly. " Yeah, I've been told that. Anyhow, that's why the 45mgs of morphine they're giving me doesn't touch my pain now." " Your tolerance is high on pain meds, like mine was on sleep meds." " Yeah, it sounds like you should have been zonked out several times over." I said. " I just could NOT sleep. Anxiety, stress, worry---whatever you wanna call it. I was so desperate..." " I really do understand that." I nodded. " You understand because you're like me," he said," You and I are so much alike...except I never hear you sing." " I'm too shy to sing around anyone." " You will around me someday. And you'll dance with me too." he smiled. " Oh I don't think so! That's like Barney the dinosauer dancing with Fred Astaire!" I smiled. Michael laughed," Oh stop that. You'll dance with me, just wait and see." " Uh huh. Dreamer." Again he laughed. Soon we had dinner and watched a couple of movies and I noticed he was caressing my hand with his fingers and only glancing at the movie. " Leslie?" he said quietly. " Yes?" " I love you." " I love you too Michael." I smiled back. A few minutes later--- " Leslie?" " Yes Michael?" " Promise me something." " Of course, if I can." " Promise me you won't stop loving me." I smiled," That I can promise," I answered and kissed his cheek. " What's this cheek business," he smiled," Hit the target, baby." he teased. I chuckled and we kissed once, then once again...then again and again as his hand held the side of my neck and he grew more loving with his kisses. " I don't mean to get so carried away..." he whispered," I just can't help myself when I taste those lips..." " Do you hear me complaining?" He smiled gently," That's my girl." " You know, you don't seem too shy when it comes to kissing me." I grinned. " I'm not...you're not just any girl. You make me feel complete. You make me want to kiss you...and you don't attack me when I do." he grinned. " Not yet anyway." I teased. He laughed," Ohh yeah? I feel so threatened and worried." " Yeah, yeah." I chuckled. " Have you thought any more about coming to California with me?" " I've thought about it a little." I said," I just don't know...y'know, because of what we talked about earlier." " Please don't let the circus keep you from me. I'll protect you. I want you with me. I want to be there for you and take care of you...my heart needs you. I need you." " Michael, I'd be a distraction--" " You'd be a wonderful distraction, Leslie. I don't wanna let go of what we have. You'll have the best medical care money can buy--nurses, chefs, nutritionists---you'll have everything you could possibly want or need," he said holding my hands and looking into my eyes," Whatever your heart desires will be yours. Anything you've ever dreamed of." " Michael, I don't want your money." " I know you don't. And you haven't asked me for a thing. I've offered it. I want to share my blessings with you. I LOVE you. Can't a man want to take care of and pamper the woman he loves?" I smiled," You look so cute pleading your case." " Don't change the subject, Garfield," he scolded me playfully," You know I love you, right?" " Yes." " And you know how much I treasure each moment with you, right?" " Yes." " And you love me, right?" " Right." I agreed. " And you enjoy being with me too, right?" " Very much so." " Then why shouldn't we be together all the time?" he asked," You can have your own room, your own bath--everything will be perfectly innocent..." " Oh well then forget it." I teased. He laughed," Ohhh, so that's how it is, is it?" I laughed too and he continued to speak," Okay then, you get nothing private. You share my room, sleep in my bed, scrub my back in the bath--" he teased. " Oh, scrub your own back." I laughed. " Ohh, so you just wanna share my bed," he said with a playful smile," I see now." " Oh you see nothing, Odie." I smiled. He slipped his arms around me," You want to sleep beside me, hmm?" " I didn't say that." " You didn't not say it either," he teased," AND you didn't deny it." " Oh shut up. Don't we have anything better to discuss?" I teased him," Where's shy Michael?" " He's on vacation," he answered looking into my eyes," So, you want to sleep beside me?" he teased. " How's that song go again? I'm bad, I'm bad---" I said. " Hey," he leaned in close," I want you beside me too," he said softly," The last thing I want to see at night and the first thing in the morning is your pretty face...I could hold you close to me and we wouldn't be alone..." " ...you make a good case, Michael." " It's easy when I know what I want...and I want you." he said seriously," I-I mean, I want you there beside me..." " Michael," I said softly," It's okay to say what you feel, y'know? You don't always have to keep yourself in check." " I try to be a gentleman, Leslie." he said. " And you are, no one could ever doubt that. But it's okay to be human too...to say what you feel..." His eyes searched mine and he suddenly kissed me passionately then whispered," Yes, I want you. I want you in a way I've never known before. It scares me and excites me all at the same time, because I've never---I've never--made love to anyone before. Ever. And with you it just consumes me...I know inside I'm meant to be with you...I'm meant to share all that I am with you...all that I have..." " You're so sweet," I touched his cheek gently and I rested my forehead against his," Your feelings are so sincere and so loving." " I am sincere, Leslie. And you may of course have your own bedroom and stuff...but I want you to know you can sleep beside me any time and you don't have to worry about my trying to take advantage of you or anything--" " I trust you completely, Michael." " Thank you." " Michael?" " Yes?" " Would you stay with me tonight...in my room? I feel better when you're there." He smiled tenderly," Of course I will, angel. Gladly." " I'm gonna go change for bed and take my pills." " Okay," he helped me up," I'll change and be in in a few. I'll knock first, though." I smiled," Don't get lost." " I'll try not to." he smiled," Maybe I should take the GPS along, just in case?" I laughed and went into my room, changing into a light blue floor length nightgown. I hated pajamas and always wore nightgowns. I took my evening pills and got into bed thinking about Michael's offer to live with him in California. He HAD made my life so much happier in the time I'd known him. His personality, his honesty, his love for people and animals, his silliness, his tenderness, his compassion---he was a wonderful man. " Leslie?" his voice came to the door with a knock. " C'mon in Michael." I answered.
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